Guest Mama Blogger 2018 Day 3
This girl. She is a kindred spirit, and my true soul sister. We have walked so many paths in this life together and its been more than a privilege. She is humble, genuine and just one of the best of em. Ashley has shared in this mothers day week guest bloggers 2 years ago (read her first post HERE), and her life has had so much happen since then and today she shares that journey. Hope you read and are inspired, she has so much truth to speak, and I am continually encouraged and inspired by her.
I struggled a bit with how to start this post, and put it off for a couple of days. Lots of ideas in my head and didn’t know how to put them together and also wanting this to be encouraging and reflecting well of what I want to say. I know I’m not the only mama who has faced this kind of loss, for some my story may be familiar to you. I hope at least one may find hope here. So I’ll just dive right in and see what comes…
Some of you may be familiar with our life’s struggles these last 2 years, some not, some may have read my last post from 2 years ago on this blog… coming out of our first miscarriage. At the time of that post, were still grieving it, but we were able and striving to move forward and see God’s glory in it all. Enjoying our son Denver to the fullest and moving forward in our life. Remembering what would have been, but resting in the fact we would one day meet that baby. I found a lot of closure writing that post.
This is almost a continuation of that entry. Little did I know, I was pregnant at the time of writing it. I soon after found that out, and we were so excited, with trepidation and fear (as would anyone in a pregnancy after loss may feel, or honestly maybe anyone in early pregnancy). We felt optimistic. But, I lost that one, pretty early again. We, once again, felt shocked. We came to terms with being the “1 in 4”, but we thought we did our time, why again?
It was hard. Watching many people in our lives go on to have their second children, what we would have been doing also, and we were getting left behind. It was frustrating as well, because doctors don’t really look into you further until you’ve had 3 consecutive miscarriages. Well, that placed us in limbo. I could get into greater depth about doctors and such, then this would be a novel, and it doesn’t have much to do with our healing in it all. But I will emphasize it was hard. It was lonely. I could find joy in my life, and when I look back at those years there was still a lot of good. But I was always wondering about what life would have been like with either baby. Thinking how old they would be at this certain time, etc etc. Something I’m sure most moms of loss go through.
In all that, we still felt like we could, or we tried our best to keep our head above water. Struggling some days, but others finding peace. Allowing ourselves the time we needed to grieve.
Well, almost a year after my first loss, I was pregnant again for the fourth time.
This was not your typical joyful positive pregnancy test. I shook in fear, and cried a LOT. I was so scared. This was something I had wanted, but the pain I had lived through already twice that year was still so fresh and not fully mended.
We lived the next couple of months in complete fear and anxiety. Barely speaking about it and telling few people. It weighed heavy on our hearts. I was exhausted due to pregnancy symptoms, but almost more so emotionally.
I lost that baby. My third consecutive miscarriage.
We were so devastated…
My last post focused on Gods perfect timing, and his glory in it. We found that after our first loss. They are still things that ring true to me, but this is more focused on Hope, specifically, our Hope in Christ. (More to come on that).
Now I’ll be honest, after our third loss, I couldn’t even read my old post without rolling my eyes, I did not feel the same as I did after our first loss, and without being crude, I even remember me saying “that’s all bullshit”. I was struggling in my faith, pretty badly. I was also struggling in my value as a mother. I know there is nothing wrong with only having one child, a part of my heart was prepared for that. But I just began doubt myself and my worth, dealing with big insecurities though it all. Lots of lies Satan was telling me. After having conversations with close friends and some family, my husband and I felt that spiritual counseling was needed. I was wavering and doubting, him not so much, but he was feeling discouraged on how to help me move forward, and found it hard to answer the deep questions of my faith that I was challenged with.
I was believing so many lies and questioned the sovereignty of my Heavenly Father. I was so lost and so angry.
Counseling was the best decision we could have made. It brought so much clarity and so much truth. It brought some closure for us also, reassuring me in my role as a mother, and encouraging me in my walk with Christ. And I loved it because I love to talk (for those of you who know me, who knew?! haha).
It was work, but I knew that I had to put it in, I was frustrated in my faith, but not wanting to turn my back on it, I needed to press on.
I was quickly brought back to the understandings of Christ I was familiar with before, which were just jaded by fear and frustration.
Now, I won’t say I have all the answers I want. I would love to know and understand a lot more than I do. I still struggle sometimes with doubt and insecurities. There are still some days where I don’t fully understand why things happen the way they do. But I also find comfort in the fact that I will find understandingwhen I meet my Saviour, and I will see his goodness in it all. My faith and trust in him alone ultimately is enough for me. Whatever lies ahead, God is there, in everything.
And one of the biggest things we took out of our counseling was Hope. Not the kind of hope I had before. I hoped I would have another baby, so badly, but that hope was in a specific outcome, one that I may not get. So when I didn’t get the outcome I wanted, I did what most would do, pout and stomp my feet in anger. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t bad to have that kind of hope or desires. But I needed to have a greater hope on top of that, one that was placed in Christ. That even if my life didn’t go as planned, I know who holds my life, and who loves me and has the best for me. That is where we found comfort, and that is what turned the page and helped us pick up the pieces and once again move forward and start to heal.
Godusedthis time in our lives to draw us closer to him (please don’t get this wrong and think that God DOES things to people to bring them closer to him, that is the lie I believed but this is a broken world we live in, he USES times and situations to draw closer to us).
And now, almost 2.5 years since our first loss, and 1.5 since our third, I am in my 5thpregnancy, almost 5 months along. I had lots of healing to do and it ended up I wasn’t ready to try until it had almost been a year since the most recent loss. We did not want to enter another pregnancy with as much fear as the last. Not to say there hasn’t been any, we just have our ways to combat those fears and worries. We’ve felt cautious because we know the reality of loss. But God has given us SO much peace, from the day we saw the positive, to now, and I know he will for the rest of this pregnancy. There has been worry, but the overall is that we know this isn’t in our control, so everyday we give it to God. We feel so thankful to have this babe growing inside me, it doesn’t wash away all the pain we have faced, or take away from the loses. “Anniversary” dates will always be tough. The ones that mark my losses, and the ones that mark what would have been birthdays. It means so much to me when people close to use remember these times, it’s not an expectation, I know most forget, but so special to have those babies acknowledged.
I know I will meet my “treasures in heaven” one day. That brings me SO much comfort, and I’ll never forget the moment that brought me to tears when God so clearly told me that they were happy in heaven with him.
I feel so grateful to have made it out of the first trimester, farther than the last three, and we pray daily to make it to holding a healthy rainbow baby in our arms. When I feel it moving inside me I still cant believe it’s in there, a little blessing.
Overall, the main point I want to get at, is that there WILL be trials, this is what I’ve had to face so far in my journey of motherhood, and there may be more. But I know where my Hope lies and in that I find comfort.
Two verses I’ll close with that I cling to and find most of my comfort & encouragement in:
1) “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12
2) “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances.”
1 Thessalonians 5:16